"I still can't believe you ate that entire thing..."
The Cutie Mark Crusaders trotted lightly back into the schoolhouse after a picnic lunch...well, Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle were trotting lightly. Scootaloo was more...slurching, her stomach dragging the ground and her head bowed, as her tiny body struggled to process all five pounds of the monstrosity she had just consumed: the Super-Keen Seventeen-Bean Mean Green Burrito Supreme. (With sour cream!)
"You know... I... ugh... couldn't back down from... grrk... a dare like.... agh ...that..." Scootaloo groaned. "Besides... I was... trying to earn my Big Eater cutie mark."
"And you didn't," Sweetie pointed out.
"Oh well. I still... urp... won. And it was delicious."
"Yeah, but you don't look so hot, Scootaloo," Apple Bloom said, concerned for her friend.
As the fillies and colts filed into the schoolhouse and took their places, Miss Cheerilee trotted behind her desk at the front of the room and smiled at them all. "Alright, class, settle down...we're going to be doing some word problems this afternoon, and—"
Scootaloo's rear end unleashed a sound remarkably like a dying cat being blown out of a tuba.
Everypony stared at her. She ducked her head low to the ground, cheeks flaming.
With the exception of her friends and Miss Cheerilee, everypony burst out laughing.
"REALLY, Scootaloo!" Cheerilee exclaimed, nose wrinkling in distaste. "That was MOST inappropriate!"
"Hey! It ain't her fault!" Apple Bloom declared hotly.
"It kind of is," Sweetie Belle said quietly.
"Good one, Scootaloo!" Snips said, rolling on his back laughing.
"Scootaloo?" Diamond Tiara scoffed. "More like...POOTaloo!"
"Yeah! Hey, do it again, Pootaloo!" Silver Spoon added, giggling.
"Yeah, blast out another one, Pootaloo!" said Snails.
The humiliated pegasus filly ran from the schoolhouse, tears streaming as the laughter of her classmates faded behind her. Trading worried glances, her two best friends chased after her, ignoring Cheerilee's protests.
* * * * *
A half hour later, Sweetie and Apple Bloom found their distressed friend at the clubhouse. "Scootaloo? You okay?" Apple Bloom asked.
Scootaloo sniffled. "I...I'm so embarrassed..."
"Well, yeah, anypony would be after all that," Sweetie said.
"It's...not just that..." Scootaloo said. She shifted, head bowed. "I...just did it again—"
"Yeah, we could smell it from outside OW! Apple Bloom!"
"—and...this time...I got my cutie mark."
The other two Crusaders' eyes widened, and they rushed to examine their friend's flank.
"Yep, there's definitely a cutie mark there," Apple Bloom said in a flat, disbelieving voice.
"Is that...a fart cloud?" Sweetie asked, staring. Indeed, the orange pegasus filly's flank bore a sickly green mushroom cloud with stench lines wavering from it.
"Yeah," Scootaloo replied, nodding miserably. "I guess...I really AM Pootaloo..."
The other two Crusaders hugged their friend as she cried silently.
* * * * *
The news of Scootaloo's misfortunes spread faster than a Parasprite infestation.
"No WAY! A farting cutie mark?!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, before falling off her napping cloud and rolling around on the ground laughing.
"Dash, this is serious!" Twilight Sparkle said. "How would you feel if you had something like that on your flank for the rest of your life?"
Dash thought about that for a minute. "Gassy."
Twilight facehoofed.
"Poor, poor Scootaloo," Rarity said, a hoof pressed dramatically to her forehead. "The shame of it all! It must be unbearable!"
"I know! We should throw her a cuteceañera!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed.
"Uhh...Pinkie Pie...Ah don't think that's such a great idea..." Applejack said. "Ah mean, Ah don't think Scoots really wants t' celebrate her fart mark."
"Heehee...fart mark..." Dash giggled.
"But...parties make everypony feel better..." Pinkie complained, eyes wide and wet. "I just want to help poor little Pootaloo feel be—"
Rainbow Dash exploded in fresh peals of laughter.
"Yyyyyyeah, uh...Pinkie? Don't call her Pootaloo," Twilight advised.
"Oh...sorry. It just slipped out."
"If it were me, I'd never want anypony to see me ever again," Fluttershy said quietly.
"Nah, Scoots'll get over it. She's tough. She's gotta be, 'cuz she's my number one fan." Dash nodded assertively, then flapped back up to her cloud and assumed nap formation. Even as she did so, though, she could be heard giggling and muttering 'Pootaloo' under her breath.
Twilight rolled her eyes. "I'll write to Princess Celestia and see what she has to say about this."
* * * * *
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today, Scootaloo—one of the Cutie Mark Crusaders—finally got her Cutie Mark. Unfortunately, it is related to...well...breaking wind. I've never heard of anypony having such an embarrassing cutie mark, and I was hoping you might have some advice on how I can help her deal with this crisis.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
* * * * *
To my faithful student,
It is truly unfortunate to hear that what should have been the happiest moment of a young filly's life has, in this case, been ruined by the tragedy of an unfortunate and embarrassing cutie mark. If, however, it would be of any help at all, please show your young friend the picture I have sent along with this letter. It might help her put things in perspective.
Sincerely yours,
Princess Celestia
Twilight looked at the enclosed picture.
Her eyes bugged out.
Her face turned green.
"Oh...oh GROSS! What the...why would she even..." Nauseated, Twilight tossed the offending picture onto the desk. "That's the nastiest thing I've ever seen!"
"What?" Spike asked, moving to examine the picture.
"No, don't look—!" Twilight exclaimed in horror...
"Oh, it's just Sir Trotsalot," the dragon said indifferently.
Twilight blinked. "You KNOW him?"
"Well, yeah. He works in the Palace gardens." Spike grinned. "He spreads the manure..."
Twilight fell to the floor with a thud.
* * * * *
"...so you see," Twilight trailed off as the Cutie Mark Crusaders stared up at her, eyes wide, "your cutie mark, while...embarrassing...could be a whole lot worse."
After recovering from the horror of the photograph the unicorn mare had shown them, Scootaloo shook her head. "Actually, I'm already okay with it," she said.
"You are?" Twilight asked, tilting her head and blinking curiously at the filly.
"Yep! 'Cuz now I can do this!"
And with that, Scootaloo mounted her scooter, hunkered down, and unleashed a massive butt blast that launched her like a rocket down the road.
Twilight stared after her, mouth gaping in shock.
Then the smell caught up with her and she gagged.
"What the hay has that filly been EATING?"
Apple Bloom shrugged. "That's our Pootaloo."
* * * * *
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned that sometimes, when life hands a pony lemons, all she can do is make lemonade. Or in Scootaloo's case, since life handed her farts, all she can do is make fartade.
Twilight frowned, crumpled the parchment into a ball, threw it into the trash, and started over.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned to stay the HAY away from Scootaloo's rear end.
"Uhh...that sounds so incredibly wrong," Spike said, reading over her shoulder.
"Aaaargh!" Twilight crumpled up this attempt at a letter, threw it away, picked up her quill again, and...
Dear Princess Celestia,
...Pootaloo.
That is all.
Your faithful student,
Twilight Sparkle
* * * * *
Celestia read her student's letter and giggled. "Pootaloo..."
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